The power of praise
I am a real excellent student. One of my main weaknesses is the constant pursuit of praise. I need approval, admiration and five for my homework. Recently, I complained to my mother that my efforts, worthy of universal admiration, remained completely unnoticed. Mom wisely answered: "Most likely, most people do not receive the approval they deserve." I realized: my mother is absolutely right. Moreover, she herself is one of such people. Of course, I never told her enough kind words for all that she did for me. Our conversation made me think about how important it is to praise people, and how to do it right.
1 Be precise. General pleasant phrases do not produce the desired impression. Child psychologists often draw the attention of parents to the fact that detailed praise is much more effective than abstract words. The words "What a beautiful drawing!" will produce a much smaller effect than the phrase: “Look what good colors you have chosen! Your drawing looks like a real spring garden! ” This rule is also true for adults. Hear the praise of “Great job!” much less pleasant than a detailed story about what exactly you succeeded. Common words seem impersonal and detached, but if we are praised for something specific, it seems that the praise comes from the heart.
2 Never praise a person and do not turn to him for help during the same conversation. This gives the impression that your kind words are ordinary flattery that you need to get what you want.
3 Look for non-banal reasons for admiration. When you notice some quality or achievement that others still have not paid attention to, the interlocutor feels that you really are not indifferent to him.
4 Praise the people behind them. In most cases, your kind words will reach the addressee, and absentee praise seems much more sincere than what we say to the person’s eyes. That is why when I hear something good about someone I know, I definitely take these words into account.
5 Compare the number of warm words with the complexity of the task. If the work for which you praise a person was not difficult, a short praise is enough: “Great!” But, if you had to make a lot of efforts to complete the task, dwell on the merits in more detail.
6 Remember the negative bias phenomenon. This phenomenon is this: people react much more sharply to negative statements than to positive ones. For example, psychologists believe that in marriage it is necessary to perform five positive actions in order to make amends for one negative. Therefore, during the conversation, I try to remember that one negative remark will be remembered better than a few laudatory phrases. And, if I want the interlocutor to have a good impression, I try to generally refrain from negative words.
7 Pay attention not only to the exceptional, but also to the everyday. When your friend has done something outstanding, it is very simple to notice, appreciate and praise it. But it is important not to forget about the usual things that your loved ones do day after day. I try to pay attention to the important little things that my family, friends and colleagues do, and do not forget to thank them for this. “In the three years that you have been working here, you have never delayed a report even for half an hour!” And note: if a person did something wrong, you would not leave it without comment.
Praise is very pleasant to the addressee. But, in addition, warm words also cheer up the one who pronounces them - I experienced it myself. And yet, what about the reverse situation? It’s not hard for me to say nice things to people, but, on the other hand, quite often in my life there are times when I desperately want to be praised. I really try (I must admit, with varying success) to curb my desire for fives. I have asked my husband many times to praise me more often: “Manipulate me! Tell me a few words of admiration and you will make me turn mountains! I will jump like a tiger in a circus through a burning ring! Just give me the top five! ” He laughs, he understands what I want, but he doesn’t do it anyway. Some of my rules for personal happiness relate to this indestructible craving for praise. “Do not expect praise or gratitude from those around you.” Nevertheless, I must confess: in spite of all my efforts, I strive to be admired by me. Sometimes it’s useful to tell friends that I really appreciate their approval. If you manage to hint tactfully about this, many will gladly satisfy your hunger. Here are other ways that help me.
Happy December Tip Praise people as often as possible. The more we love, the less we count.
1 Do as much as you can for yourself. For a long time, I selflessly told myself that I work “for the good of the team” or do household chores “for the sake of the family”. And although at first glance this seems generous, the result of such an attitude was deplorable, because I exploded every time my husband or other relatives did not appreciate what I was doing for them. Now I say to myself: “I do this for myself. I want this myself. I like to sign and send greeting cards. I like to clean up the house. ” This means that I no longer wait for the fives. People are not obliged to pay attention to what I do for myself.
2 Find ways to reward yourself. Perhaps my close ones are not going to thank me for what I do. But I can thank myself. I keep in mind a list of tasks for the day and mentally put a bold plus in front of each completed item. I myself reward myself with a sense of satisfaction from the work done.
3 Thank others for what they do. One of the unshakable rules of personal happiness is probably familiar to you since childhood: treat people the way you would like them to do with you. If I want to be praised more often, I myself try to speak as pleasant as possible to others. In addition, I remind myself to be grateful for what people do for me. I do not get tired of reminding myself how much my loved ones care about me, and this helps to get rid of irritation.
4 Remember: if your actions are taken for granted, this is also a kind of praise. Here is the real irony of fate: the more responsible you are in your duties, the more often people around take it for granted. If you never break deadlines, always keep yourself in control and come to meetings, well prepared, your efforts are most often not appreciated. And this is a real compliment. Let me give you an example: when I was a child, my mother took me out of school every day. But from the whole series of school days I clearly remember only one thing - when my mother was late. The whole year before and the year after she arrived on time. But did it ever occur to me to say: “Mom, thank you for never being late!”? Never. But I knew you could rely on her. Gretchen Rubin is the author of a book on how to be happy.